The Beast of Cornwall

6th February, 2009
8st 4lb. Runs done: 1 (v.g.), calories burned 1625, calories consumed 3700.
Am lacking in motivation. Will start visualisation techniques and picture myself as a highly-trained athlete. Dazzer, the new man at work, keeps going on about the Launceston Half Marathon and telling me how good it is, how wonderful the views are, etc. Ignoring him as he says it’s hilly.

12th May8st 6lbs. Runs done: 0 (V. bad), runs visualised 153 (excellent!); calories consumed: 6257, calories burned: 320, alcohol drunk; 6 glasses red wine (found a bottle when tidying kitchen)
Next week I will be running a half marathon, a hill run, a multi-terrain, a beach run and a marathon (56 miles total) in Scotland. Had better go out for a training run. No – the schedules say I should be tapering. Must do what schedules say as I am now a highly-trained athlete. Will consult book about how to taper properly. Will tidy up chocolate found at back of cupboard while I read.

18th - 23rd May
8st 13lbs. Runs run: 5 (v. gd),total mileage 56; full Scottish breakfasts 6; pieces of cake (chocolate, coffee, lemon, cream teas, etc) 10; calories consumed 5,796,578; calories burned 1,579, 452.
I am running well on lower mileage training. I think I will continue this programme when I get back home.

3rd June
9st 5lbs. Runs done 0 (v bad); calories consumed 9352 (v bad), calories burned 31(v bad), race wins visualised 37 (excellent!)
Dazzer keeps reminding me about the Launceston Half. Has told me what the course is like (climbs at miles 3, 5, 6, 12 and 13 but flat, downhill or undulating for the rest, which must be more than half of it). Can’t be too bad, despite being called “The Real Beast of Cornwall.” Posted entry form. Visualise myself flying effortlessly up hills, flowing down them as a river falls to the sea, the wind in my hair, the sun shining warmly, every muscle and sinew honed and toned to perfection, every ounce of energy resulting in the course record being broken for the first time by an FV60. Wonderful! I am getting much better at this. Will recover with a small glass of red wine (good for cholesterol level) and a small piece of chocolate cake.

4th June
9st 8lbs (not good). Alcohol drunk 1 bottle; chocolate cakes eaten 1; improvement in tidiness of kitchen excellent; aspirins taken: several (found at back of medicine cupboard - may have lost strength as Use By date was obliterated)
Have headache and feel slightly queasy. Obviously not well. Should not train while unwell so will take day off running.



17th June
9st 7lbs. (v gd) Runs done in last three weeks 3; calories consumed 2,227,506; calories burned 2,227,505 (excellent! Dancing at my birthday party and Dazzer’s wedding burned off loads)
Dancing as cross-training seems good. Muscles not too tired. Will continue with this programme. Jude has said she might do LH with me. Not sure she really means that. Think she might just mean she wants a lift.

4th July
9st 12lbs. Runs done 1 (v bad); runs visualised 97 (excellent! There is no doubt that I will win the race by a large time margin)
Perhaps should have tried a bit harder with the weight. Never mind, will not eat today so will be down to race weight of 8st 2lbs ready for the start. Must pack. Will not need much as will wear running kit. Will have early night so can have plenty of sleep as am now a highly-trained athlete, a coiled spring, a gazelle, a cheetah who will run effortlessly along the gently undulating roads of Cornwall, chasing down my prey, picking off my quarry one by one until there are none left and I will be the true victor of the race. Pack bag – sandals (in case toes sore), new running shoes (to show off), trousers, towel, T-shirt, money, cards, wash-bag, hair gel, make-up (for photos and article in national press after winning race), sunscreen (can’t be too careful – course is exposed and it might be sunny), gloves (best be on the safe side – course is exposed and could get chilly), jacket (ditto), woolly hat (ditto), banana. Prepare bottle for Rego for after the race. It’s important so will mix it in the morning. Shower. Will not need to dry hair as will have plenty of time to style it properly in the morning. Set alarm for 4.30.

5th July
4.30am. Bloody alarm clock.

4.50am. Bloody Dazzer.

4.59am. Bloody Jude. Will have to get up or she won’t have a lift. At least I am up before 5. Must remember Rego.
Breakfast, etc. I seem to have a wild overgrown Mohican hairstyle. Gel hair with L’Oreal Extra-firm Super Strong Hold. Think of Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. Hair now well-gelled into aforementioned style but sure it will settle down later.

5.10am Stop thinking about Mr Darcy emerging from the lake.

5.59.30am Bloody Jude is here. It is very inconsiderate of her to be early when we arranged to set off at 6. She mentions flapjack and Thorntons mini-shortbreads so feel slightly more forgiving. Pile bags into car and set off.

6.10am. Have forgotten Rego. Months of careful training now wasted and hopes for being first FV60 to break course record have flown out of the window.

8.00am. Past Exeter. Decide we have enough time to get to Launceston by 10 so call into services for a leisurely coffee.

8.30am. Arrive Launceston and park. Walk to start at leisure centre. Bag is rather heavy. Never mind, Leisure centre can’t be far away.

9.15am. Arrive leisure centre. Perhaps I didn’t need two pairs of shoes and the large tube of hair gel. Collect numbers. Jude offers to let me store flapjack and Thorntons mini shortbreads in my bag as she has only brought a small backpack. Very badly-organised of her, I think.

9.45am. See Frank John from running club, discuss transport, accommodation, swimming, etc. Dazzer not here as he isn’t feeling very well. Will send him good wishes on my way round the course. Various trips to various loos. Bags onto lorry. Can just about lift mine high enough.

10.30am. Race starts. The training is paying off already. For the first mile I cruise steadily past runners as we head through Launceston then the road narrows and goes uphill. There is traffic and a car has to follow a woman walking up the hill. A man is following the car and I can’t get past. Still, I will use it as a recovery and fly past them all later.
Dazzer told me the next six miles are “gently undulating” or “steady climb.” I am an athlete so can cope easily with these obstacles, if indeed they are such. I will take them, literally, in my stride, which I must remember is as effortless as the leaping mountain goats bounding along precipitous slopes. Must also remember to admire the views so at the top of one of the undulations I look ahead to see glorious rolling hills and lush fields. If I was taller I might be able to see the sea.

11.46am Why is it that however far you climb in a race you never seem to have a downhill to compensate? Bloody hills, bloody hedges, bloody fields, bloody, bloody running. Up another hill (another fantastic view), past yet another cheerful encouraging marshal, up another f***ing hill to another wonderful view. Have been told that adrenaline makes you aggressive if not all used up by running. Sure that isn’t true in my case. Starting to think that perhaps I might not break the course record.

12.13pm Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! At last a downhill stretch. I can hear footsteps behind me and getting closer. Mental note to self: this runner needs new shoes as sounds very flat-footed. He passes me. He is carrying a backpack, wearing chinos, a white polo shirt and wearing flip-flops. Flip-flops, FFS! I have been overtaken by a man carrying a backpack and wearing f***ing flip-flops. To crown it all he does not appear to be overpronating at all though have to admit that he gets away too fast for me to do an accurate gait analysis. Hah! I see my chance. He can’t run uphill in flip-flops. Will try to catch him. Pass him easily. Hah! Serves him right.

12.29pm Flip-flop Man passes me again. I will wait like a panther and pounce when the moment is right. We are entering the town. The road starts to climb. I pass Flip-flop Man. He will not pass me again.

12.33pm F***. Flip-flop Man will not pass me again because the bloody road climbs and he will gently slither out of his flipping flops. It climbs through the outskirts of Launceston. It turns a corner. F***.

12.35pm Another bloody climb. F***, f***, f***ity f***. Is Launceston actually higher than Everest? How can the road only ever go up?

12.51pm Joy! At last some downhill.

12.52pm F***, f*** and double f***. More uphill.

1.00pm Onto the little path that climbs (well, what else would you expect) through the park. Go round the bend (literally?) and then Oh joy! Oh bliss! Oh wonder of wonders! I run down (down! down!) the slope towards the finish. More charging rhinoceros than graceful gazelle. Finish has disappeared. Bu**er. Lots of people cheering. I can see and hear Jude and John. Then - glory be! It’s a miracle! The finish is at the bottom of a hill!

1.02.25pm Cross finish line, cheered by Dazzer’s parents. Curse their son for telling me about a course so hilly but have to admit that the views were worth the climbing. Collect medal (excellent), bunch of flowers (v.g), T-shirt (v. big), water (v. welcome), etc. Decline gels and voucher from well-known running store. Meet Jude and John, collect bag. Eat 1 Thorntons mini shortbread (v.g.). Have shown that I am a consistent athlete as my time of 2:32 is the same as four of the last five hilly half marathons I’ve done.

2.30pm Go to say goodbye to Caz and Big Daz. Tell them it’s a fab race and it’s in diary for next year already. They give me a bottle of wine (v.g.). No room in bag so totter off uphill (then down) with bag, flowers and wine. Jude suggests I look like an alcoholic bag lady who’s been stealing flowers.

3.00pm Leave Launceston.

3.15pm Leave Launceston. Congdons Shop was interesting, if only for its apparent lack of shop and, possibly, Congdon. We decided not to go to Liskeard as it was 16 miles way and Launceston was only 13. Jude and I not unduly worried as we have just run 13.1 miles (each) and have low blood sugar (why did I forget the Rego?) so find it all highly amusing though are a bit concerned that the area might be Cornwall’s version of the Bermuda Triangle.

4.00pm Leave Launceston. By a process of elimination find the right road.

7.00pm Home. Eat, drink half bottle of wine, sleep. New training schedule starts tomorrow.


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