Drills, hills and collapsing buttocks

Tuesday 21st July
5.45am. Strange ringing noise in ears.
5.46am. Still there
5.47am. Oh bloody hell, it's the alarm. Bootcamp. Make and drink tea.
6.30am. Meet rest of bootcamp conscripts. Everybody else looks cheerful despite dreary rain. Trim Kim particularly chirpy as she tells us we are going to jog to warm up. Ok, I can do that. Then we do drills. Oh bloody hell. It is early morning, it's raining and she wants me to run backwards! I'm having enough trouble running forwards.
And doing silly walks! Not only that but we're all doing them right next to a f***ing bus stop where a bus is waiting for an unreasonably long time. Daren't look to see if there are any passengers (if so, probably all laughing hysterically by now). Over quickly, thank goodness, and off to find a hill. It doesn't take us long to totter to the bottom. Then we split into two groups. Am in second but hopes of getting a rest disappear as we have to do squats and lunges while the others run up. Then our turn - 20 seconds up. I am very pleased. All that visualisation is paying off. Tour de France time as well so I am a running version of Contador dancing lightly up the hill, passing the others. Easy.
Jog back, squats.
Reps 2 and 3 might be a bit slower but good enough. Lance Arnsrong should be worried.
Rep 4. Bloody hills. Why has the f***ing hill got steeper?
Rep 5. And how can it get steeper again? Legs still trembling from squats before I even start.
Rep 6. "And keep on going until you get to the top" says Trim Kim. "Then jog back to where we started."
Still not awake. Maybe for the best.

Wednesday 22nd July
Unable to bend legs to get shoes from bottom shelves. Difficult also to check fit of shoes on people's feet. Don't think muffled cries of agony are a good advertisement for running.

Thursday 23rd July
6 f***ing 30 again. This time the sun is shining.
Bloody jog. Bloody drills - high knees, sprinting on the spot.
Pyramids - sprint, jog back, sprint a bit further, jog back, sprint a bit further, jog back, sprint not quite as far, jog, sprint not quite as far.
Instead of squats and lunges Trim Kim makes us do plank and press-ups. First one fine, then arms start to tremble.
Grass very interesting. Also very interesting to have blades of it stuck up nose every time I lower myself.
Decide that grass up nose could be good for sinus problems so stay down on ground as also impossible now to raise body.
More pyramids, more press-ups, more bloody pyraminds and more bloody press-ups. Have done more press-ups by now than in all my previous life. Arms trembling uncontrollably. Must be at least one four-leaved clover in the patch an inch from my nose. No such luck. Something else which I think may be plantain and a few daisies and dandelions. look on this as an opportunity to develop positive thoughts and am grateful that I am 2 inches from grass at 7am.
Trim Kim reminds us not to let our buttocks collapse. I have news for you, TK - you're too late. Mine collapsed a long time ago.

Friday 24th July
Sudden semi-paralysis of arms. Cannot left them above shoulder height. Have to make tea by getting small chair so can stand on it (difficult as still cannot bend knees so tricky stepping up) and swivel sideways to get tea bags from shelf in cupboard. Difficult to get down from chair as cannot jump.
In work, unable to get shoes from top shelves.

Saturday 25th July
Lie-in. 8.30am start today.
Make tea. Fortunately have now fully recovered from Thursday's beasting so is easy. Arms now strong and toned.
Collect Speedo Sue to take her to "Bring a friend" session at bootcamp.
Jog. Circuits (in lines) - high knees, etc. Am wiping other things from my memory as too painful to contemplate.
Boxing. Am not aggressive enough so doing rather balletic punches in the air. Must try harder. Think of someone I don't like................... Not easy. Hah! Our one and only awkward customer...... That's better. Beat AC to a pulp. Very satisfying.
Continue process.
Several times. AC would now fit into 1 litre carton.
More press-ups. Arms trembling after two seconds. Maybe vibrations will prevent development of bingo wings.
Grass, clover, stray leaf, small twig.
Cycling on back. Lovely - a chance to lie down.
Unable to lift legs for more than ten seconds. Contador, Arnstrong, Wiggins, Cavendish and Millar need not worry.
Jog back. Speedo Sue still talking to me, I think.

Still, plenty of calories burned. Good as meeting frineds fo tea and cakes this afternoon.


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